Friday, May 21, 2010

Spring Cleaning: a Monologue

I'm on a bit of a cleanse once again. This time is different than the last, however. I'm not taking any pills, I'm not strictly adhering to any sort of rules, but I am feeling better. The thing is, I've been suffering from a yet-unresolved health issue for the last four and a half months that's made me gain 20 pounds in as much time (maybe more, but I stopped looking at the scale because it was so discouraging).

I feel sluggish, weighed down, angry, confused, sad, and that's just to name a few emotions. I've seen my doctor for blood tests and a naturopath for other tests, but at the moment, the problem remains unsolved and I am just sitting here in misery, wishing my stomach didn't become bloated and ache every time I ingested anything.

For a while I let it take over my attitude. I was lethargic, lazy, apathetic, and morose. I ate everything in sight just to spite myself. In a way, I lived for the pain that I knew I would feel because it gave me more ammunition to feel like crap. I wanted to end my life because, well, to be honest, this is no way to live. Enjoying food is equal to enjoying life in my book, and if I wasn't able to do one, why should I be asked to do the other?

That feeling lasted for a while, and it's still there, lurking in the background, but what has emerged in the last week or so is a feeling of vengeance. I am angry now. I am mad that this has, so far, not been resolvable. I am enraged that my doctors don't seem to care about my physical (and mental) health nearly as much as I do ("they just don't know what to tell me!"). I am aggravated by all the people who have told me, "you really can't tell that you've gained weight" (my tight clothes can tell! the fact that I have a double-chin tells me!). I am incensed that I can't do all the things I want to, like run and be active. I'm aghast at just how much all this is costing me, and to no avail (there should be a warranty to healthcare - if the treatment doesn't work, we should get our money back!).

So, I've taken control once again, in the only way I know how. I am cleansing my body of unnatural sugars, salt, fats, alcohol, and pretty much everything that's toxic (except caffeine - I'm able to justify that decision by the very fact that it made me come out of my stupor and decide to do something in the first place). I eat a yogurt smoothie in the morning, some veggies in the afternoon, and a raw nutritional bar in the evening. It doesn't sound like much, but for the last few days, I've been happier, lighter, and more pain-free than all of the last 4.5 months combined.

I have a second appointment with the naturopath next Tuesday. We'll see what she says, but if she doesn't have any answers, I'm going to another naturopath, and will continue to do so until someone tells me how to fix this. I can't live like this forever. I LOVE food, and it's killing me to have to restrict my diet so much (I've given up beans, rice, peanut butter, as well as the foods I mentioned in the former paragraph) just to be pain-free.

I've kept a silence about this for this long because I didn't really know how to ask for help. And I'm not necessarily asking for help now - I just want to have some sort of audience so I don't feel like I'm completely alone in this struggle. This has affected so many aspects of my life and I don't want that to continue. I want to return to the vivacious, outgoing, active, social, and happy person that I was before all of this started. I want to enjoy being alive and foods and new experiences once again.

Please, just keep me in your thoughts as I continue with this struggle. If you have any thoughts or helpful hints, please let me know, but what I DON'T want to hear is any sort of critique for how I'm handling this situation. I would never wish this on anyone, but unless you've ever experienced anything similar to this, you can't really know what it's like to fear food and your body's reaction to it, and until then, what your own combative response might be.

Thanks.

1 comment:

Becky said...

So sorry you're going through this. I am so sympathetic - went through the same experience with health issues and doctors last year, and it bothered me so much that they had no clue, but would bounce me between specialists and all prescribe drug after drug while they were guessing!

I went to a vegan/nutritarian diet and finally began feeling better. As I've gone away from it - all my issues have started up again.

Hope you find some relief and answers soon! Feeling for you :(

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